Never be late!!!!

A Priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish.

A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner.

However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited: 'I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister. I was appalled.

But as the days went on I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.'...

Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk: 'I'll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived,' said the politician.

'In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession.'

Moral : Never Be Late

159 years ago

Do you know what happened this week back in 1850, 159 years ago?

California became a state.
The State had no electricity.
The State had no money.
Almost everyone spoke Spanish.
There were gunfights in the streets.

So basically, it was just like California today;
except the women had real breasts and the men didn't hold hands!!!

Guts vs. Balls

We've all heard about people having guts or having balls, but do you really know the difference between them?

In an effort to keep you informed, the definitions are listed below:

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the boys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: ''Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?''

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the boys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife onthe ass and having the balls to say: ''You're next, fatso.''

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.

Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome ofcourse, since both ultimately result in death.

Cricket Wisdom!!!

The first testicular guard was used in cricket in1874, whereas the first helmet was used in 1974.

It took 100 years for men to realize that the brain is also important!

This was an actual phone call from a guest to room service. It takes place at some hotel in Thailand. It's so funny! And without farther ado. I give you....
Tenjuberrymud!
Room Service (RS): "Morny, Ruin Sorbees.
"Guest (G): "Sorry, I thought I dialed Room Service.
"RS: Rye...Ruinsorbees...morny! Djuwish to odor sunteen?
G: Un...Yes...I'd like some bacon and eggs.
RS: Ow july den?
G: What?
RS: Ow july den?...pry, boy, pooch?
G: Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please.
RS: Ow july dee baychem...crease?
G: Crisp will be fine.
RS: Hokay. An san toes?
G: I don't think so.
RS: No? Judo one toes??
G: I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what "judo one toes"means.
RS: Toes! Toes!...Why djuw don juan toes? Ow bow inglish moppig webother?
G: English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying "Toast!" Fine.Yes an english muffin will be fine.
RS: We bother?
G: No...just put the bother on the side.
RS: Wad?
G: I mean butter...just put it on the side.
RS: Copy?
G: Sorry?
RS: Copy...Tea...Mill?
G: Yes, coffee please and that's all.
RS: One minnie. *** ruin torino fee, strangle ache, crease baychem,tossy inglish moppig we bother honey sign, and copy...rye??
G: Whatever you say.
RS: Tenjuberrymud.
G: You're welcome.